Is it possible to lust after a long term-partner?
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Come Together: The Pleasure of Partnership
A practical guide to sustaining desire in long-term relationships
Emily Nagoski’s second book, Come Together, picks up where Come As You Are left off—shifting the spotlight from individual sexual awakening to the alchemy of intimacy between partners. It's a heartfelt, science-backed manual for cultivating closeness, trust, and pleasure that lasts.
જ What the Book Is Really About
Come Together is structured in two parts:
- Pleasure Is the Measure – How to co-create a context that makes attraction and joy natural and accessible, rather than sporadic and elusive.
- Good Things Come – Practical guidance for navigating common relationship patterns that derail desire (e.g., gender roles, emotional emergencies, mismatched emotional “floorplans”).
The core message: sustainable sexual connection is not about frequency or passion alone—it’s about how deeply partners attune to each other’s internal experiences
☯ Yin & Yang in Connection
Though not using the exact terms, Nagoski embraces yin-yang dynamics. People and relationships are constantly switching between states of yin yang. All relationships will be challenged with a balance where partners will have mismatched libidos either over the course of a relationship or in a moment in time.
The relationship’s magic lies in co-regulation, not competition—using attunement, timing, and sensitive communication to pulse between invitation and response.
꩜ Key Concepts That Shine
Come Together isn’t about how to keep having sex—it’s about how to cultivate a pleasure filled partnership as you and your relationship evolve through your life.
Nagoski introduces core concepts like:
- “Pleasure is the measure”: Pleasure—not frequency—is the fundamental metric of relationship sex
- Emotional Floorplans: Maps of mental-emotional states—understanding what mental “room” you or your partner are in and how to move gently toward desire.
- Chore Play: Everyday acts of care (like chores) can become erotic when intentionally offered and received.
- “Gender mirage”: How cultural scripts (e.g., that men should pursue, women should wait) can create pressure and disconnection—but are not destiny.
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Co-regulation over correction: Prioritizing safety, emotional presence, and trust as prerequisites for arousal.
: Why This Matters for You
This book is for anyone seeking to intentionally nurture lasting intimacy, not just bursts of chemistry. It emphasizes:
- Your relationship isn't doomed: Your goal is pleasure, not sex. The receptivity and amount of pleasure comes from accumulating yes and no signals of over a lifetime.
- Partnerships take practice, which can be fun: Intentional rituals, language, and habits that can co-create an erotic partnership. Cultivating trust and admiration are the emotional infrastructure of shared desire.
⫘ Final Thoughts: Who Should Read This Book?
- Partners sexually disconnected and avoiding fixing it (or don't know how to fix it)
- Anyone who is feeling sexually rejected by their partner
- Anyone in a partnership they want to invest in
Come Together is inspiration for couples who’ve lost their spark—not because something is wrong, but because intimacy is dynamic and relational. Nagoski reminds us: Pleasure can be grown, attunement learned, and love rekindled—with kindness, curiosity, and a little structure.
Want to begin with the basics before adding your partner? Check out Dr. Emily Nagoski's first book, a MUST read.
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