The paradox of love and lust
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Can we want what we already have?
This is the central tension at the heart of Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel’s now-iconic exploration of intimacy, eroticism, and the paradox of modern love. In a world where we’re told to seek both safety and seduction in the same partner, many of us find ourselves asking: Why does sex feel so different over time? And is there something wrong with me—or us?
With elegance, wit, and deep psychological insight, Perel challenges the myths of domestic bliss and offers a new approach for sustaining desire in long-term relationships. This book is an essential read for anyone navigating the beautiful, sometimes messy or boring, terrain of love and lust over time.
♒︎ What the Book Is About
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.”
— Esther Perel
Mating in Captivity is not a how-to manual, but rather a meditation—a reframing—of erotic intelligence. Perel argues that the very things that make relationships feel emotionally safe (closeness, stability, predictability) are often the very things that stifle erotic energy (space, mystery, novelty).
Unfold key themes and tensions:
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The intimacy-desire paradox: Emotional intimacy doesn’t always lead to sexual passion—in fact, too much closeness can kill it.
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Erotic autonomy: Desire thrives in space, in the unknown, in the imagination. You need room to want.
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Fantasy as fuel: Erotic life isn’t always politically correct or neat. Fantasies reveal the deeper truth of what turns us on.
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Sex as language: In many couples, sex is a form of communication—an outlet for power, care, rebellion, or validation.
- Re-eroticizing the familiar: Desire can be rekindled when we stop trying to go back and instead build something new from where we are.
Perel offers case studies from her work as a therapist that are compassionate, diverse, and raw. She never prescribes—she invites.
☯︎ Connection to Yinful
At Yinful, we work with women who are reclaiming their desire—not just sexually, but energetically. Often, that reclamation means undoing the belief that there’s something wrong with you for not feeling “in the mood” all the time. Or for craving something you don’t quite know how to name.
Perel’s work gives language to these emotional undercurrents. She makes it clear that losing desire doesn’t mean you’ve fallen out of love. It means you’re human—and your erotic self needs nourishment, too.
Her reflections beautifully mirror what we aim to support with our herbal formulas: a reconnection to self, a softening of stress, and a rekindling of vitality from within.
(‿ˠ‿) Who Should Read Mating in Captivity
- Couples in a rut
- People fanaticizing about cheating (or if you feel like your partner is cheating)
- Anyone new to marriage, afraid of the inevitable disconnect
This book is a gentle, brilliant mirror. It doesn’t shame or prescribe. It helps you understand your own erotic landscape and begin tending to it with awareness and care.
⚛ Final Thoughts
Perel doesn’t promise easy answers—because relationships aren’t formulas. But what she does offer is a pathway back to curiosity. A reminder that desire isn’t something you lose, but something you learn to listen for again.
“Eroticism thrives in the space between self and other. In the space where I can gaze at you across a distance and feel the mystery of your separateness.”
— Esther Perel
Desire is a language. This book teaches you how to listen—and how to speak it.
Check out other works by Ester Perel →
